For many years I lived in the shackles of ritualistic religion. Singing in the Sunday church choir was my solace for my stagnant relationship with Christ. I concluded that using my voice for the Lord on Sundays was a noteworthy contribution to the Kingdom of God and Monday to Saturday were for myself.
Everything revolved around what made Danielle happy such as meaningless conversations, attention seeking, boys, gossip, lies and all sorts of things that did not align morally to Christianity. For many years the key ingredient to my life was right under my nose, however I couldn’t see it because of the scales of the world veiled my eyes and ears from fully understanding. Church wasn’t a big deal for me. I was bombarded with my own selfish thoughts. Church was just a building to go to and a service to sit through, each song soothed my ears and the drumming hit every nerve in my body similar to the Afro beats I loved in the club. I wouldn’t say I ever really took in much of what was said, I was too busy day dreaming about materialism or consumed with how I looked I guess, because I wanted to show off my new shoes, or T shirt for all the other young people to see.
The bible wasn’t short of a history book to me. I believed in what happened, and believed in God and prayer. Yes, prayer was seen as important to me, although I only prayed when I was told or when something seemed worth to pray about. For example: exams, healing of one family member, or entrance into the school I’ve always wanted to go. Looking at God as a real friend or Father was something that I had heard in the popular Christian song “I am a friend of God” however they remained as just that, lyrics rather than sincere confessions from my heart. The time I would spend with my father or friend was much more than I would ever spend with God, that right there was the missing key – An Intimate Relationship. Without a relationship with God I found myself juggling my detrimental social life and my faith.
For the first two years of University I found myself consumed by male attention, clubbing, alcohol, music, dancing and social media. I was flirting with things that were the completely opposite to the standards of my faith. My mouth was foul, I spewed what I consumed which was none other than music that objectified and hyper-sexualised women. Music that made one dance in an erotic sexualised way glorifying the curves of a lady rather than her brain or heart. In regards to music videos, I was fed the world's ideals and perceptions through the lyrics and digested false conclusions and inaccurate stereotypes of men and women into my heart. Each video conveyed the greedy heart of man, however the more I consumed it the more I became a product of it. Yet I didn’t understand. My identity was in what people wanted me to be, I allowed my present circumstances to dictate who I thought I was, and allowed the opinion of others to create the personality and perception of who I believed that I was.
I found pleasure in hearing “you're peng” “you’re nice.” A pleasure that’ll lasted about 3 hours if that. Then I would seek after the next few compliments I could get through my latest forced Instagram photos… don’t forget the Snapchat angle. 50 likes turned to 80, which turned to 300, aiming for a goal of 1000 because then “I’ve made it”. It was the attention of man that I was seeking. Take note not Men, but man, anyone. Ignoring the attention God gave me everyday, I couldn’t see or hear; I didn’t realise it was the relationship I was missing; but I was unaware and ignorant. I didn’t feel I was missing anything in life, I was just doing me! I had a genuine heart, but I found pleasures in things any young person in this world would say “it’s just having fun” right? Isn’t it just having fun? So my mind thought.
TO BE CONTINUED............